Cynthia wants to say hello before I go back to work.

It's almost time for me to start watching out the window for Paul. Work calls, and that's OK.

I wonder what will be for dinner tonight.

Maybe I'll cook for mom. She did start work today-- I bet she'll be sort of tired tonight.

Oh, and Cynthia is here, as well. She says hello to everyone out there.

I have to go find my umbrella and brush Cynthia's fur before I leave with Paul.

Have a good day, all.


-Kevin

Yep, I can see Paul. Riding up to house on his truck (skateboard)-- gotta go!

In the spirit of my new found feeling of adventure and accomplishment, I bring you-- Mr. Bill Withers:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYi7uEvEEmk

I hope everyone else out there in cyber space is having an equally lovely day. This rain really isn't so bad.

Who am I kidding? I know what I want, and that's for things to stay exactly the same as they are-- right now.

I really like working with Paul, and sometimes really interesting things happen while we're collecting trash-- like random ground sandwiches popping up!

I also feel happy, maybe a little adventurous, even. I know that dad would be proud of me.

Plus, with the extra money mom and I will be making between us, maybe she and I can start planning a trip somewhere..

I've always wanted to go up to Montreal. I hear that the squirrels up there have wonderful accents, and delicious food. A real winning combination of both interesting and eating (which I love to do).

Oh boy. Mom's at work?

Finally got a hold of mom-- she is at work right now! I can't believe it. In fact, I didn't even think she had a job to go back to after being away from work the past three or four months.

Good for her. Granted, she just texted me that she would be at work until 2:00, but she included a little heart icon in the text, so I guess she's pretty glad to be there.
I wonder what this means. For me, I mean. My work situation..

Maybe I could go back to working for DELL with mom bringing in money again.

Do I want that? Going back to sitting in my room all day, offering the occasional customer trouble shooting help over the phone-- I'm not even sure how I feel about doing that anymore.

I kind of like going out with Paul on our adven-- I mean, trash collecting trips.

What would my dad ever say if I went back to working from home?

..I already know..

Dad: "Kevin, you should get outside more often! You're wasting your life away in this room! There is a world to see outside your window, and it's only steps away from this tree! So, put on your belt and let's go!"

Me: "Dad, I can't. I know what would happen, and that includes barf, and general embarrassment and anxiety. Do your thing. I am happy here."

Dad: [Disappointment]

I have some real thinking to do. What is the best next step for me?

Rainy day skateboard thoughts

This rain is a drag. Paul decided to call today a split-shift sort of day, in hopes that the rain will let up by late morning. That means we work from 6:30-8:00, then 11:00-1:30, instead of the regular 9:00-2:00pm trash  workday.

My fur is soaked, and I am cold. Miserable, miserable weather to be outside collecting trash in.

Glad to be home right now. Mom isn't home-- not sure where she went. Since coming home from the hospital, she hasn't been out too much. I'm not surprised she went somewhere, though. My mom seems to be doing a whole lot better these days.

I do wish that she was here to make me breakfast, though. Those acorn pancakes we had yesterday were really good.

I guess I do know how to cook a couple things for breakfast. If there was one good thing that came of Mom being hurt, then sick for so long-- it was that I learned to make really good toast. Plus, I do kind of like my job.

Yeah.. the job is a good thing after all. I can actually go outside with less worry, nausea, and fear of humans and other potential hazards. Paul really helped with that, since he's so much bigger than me. Well, and because of his truck-- who knew skateboards could be so versatile for non-human creatures? I almost wish that I could find a skateboard made for a very small being like me...

This isn't me. Just some lucky devil with a squirrel sized skateboard!

Time for breakfast, and to figure out where mom went.

Kevin

Happy (almost) birthday, Uncle C! 40 months old and counting!

[So that I don't forget to do this before or after work tomorrow--]

Happy birthday, Uncle Charlie! Another month older, and still dashing a squirrel as ever!

Just don't celebrate so seriously this month, please. It may be warmer outside, but I am highly uninterested in picking you up from Ray and Leanne's den again, drunk and smelly off your rocker, like I did last month on April 10th.  (That was a really nauseating excursion)

Still. I love you, Uncle C. Enjoy your big day tomorrow.

None of this, Uncle Charlie. Not this month.

Just went to find mom. She's holed up on the couch with Cynthia.

Cynthia growled a little when I sat down next to mom, but mom shushed her.

I apologized again for cyber criticising the TNC mom made tonight. Actually, I started crying myself.

Mom seemed really touched that I actually felt so bad. I guess the anti-biotics the doctors prescribed to her after getting out of the hospital for that skin infection on her back has some side effects to it which include increased sensitivity. I think mom was just trying to make me feel less guilty about making her cry. Maybe she felt guilt that I cried.

Well. We hugged, and everything seems a lot better. I actually really liked the Tuna-Casserole-Minus-The-Noodle. It was hard to realize it over dinner because I was so worked up about the lack of noodle in my meal. I'm doing much better now.

Cynthia actually licked me with her feathery tongue before heading back to my room. She also wacked me in the eye with one of her legs. That was fun (not).

Still happy.

Wah! Maybe not that happy.

-kevin

That last post made mom pretty upset.

She's crying.

I made my mom cry! I don't know what to do. Will anyone out there tell me what I can do to make my mom stop crying and being sad?

This is all my fault. I should have never gotten so god damn attached to those TNC noodles in years past.

*pace pace pace pace pace*

*scratch scratch scratch scratch*

Ok. I am going to open up my door and re-approach mom to apologize again. I should have realized she checks up on my blog.

Then again, I guess anyone can see what I write.


I need to be more conscious of that. Especially when it comes to criticising other creatures culinary creations.

Apparently, hold the noodle.

Forget about my excitement over tonight's dinner. Mom decided to make her signature Tuna-Noodle-Casserole alright. Minus the noodles.

Tuna (NO NOODLE?) Casserole

Once we both were seated at the kitchen table, mom noticed my stunned face over the lack of noodle.

(As an aside, please note that noodle is my favorite part of TNC, besides the tuna.)

Frowning, she replied "Kevin, wipe that look right off your face! I am trying to lose the weight I gained from all that sitting-on-my-beehind over the past few weeks. Be more supportive and eat your Tuna Casserole!)

Mom. Don't sacrifice the taste of noodle goodness in your TNC for a slim physique. Don't do it.

*sigh*

Petty? You bet. Ashamed? Yup, that too. Guh.

I thought mom getting better and cooking again would mean things, well at least meals, would go back to being more normal and delicious than what I was cooking while mom was out of commission. Guess I've got to lower my expectations a bit.

.. she's still great. I'm just being a jerk ..


(I'll go apologize to mom now)



-kevin (an asserole)

Human work

An ad for a pizza place that's opening near Burlington just came up in the advertisements section of my facebook. Its mascot is kind of funny:

Get a load of this guy.

Geez, that squirrel looks like he ate one too many slices of pizza...

...

I wish that I had something more negative to say about this ad. Then I could call the humans stupid for using an image of a squirrel in a weird/demeaning/incorrect manner.

But they're right-- we squirrels love pizza. just love it.

I think balloons are kind of scary, though.

stupid humans.

[take that!]

Guess what I found today..

Collecting trash this morning with the boss, I came across a brown paper bag near the Grackle family's nest in one of the pillars of the UVM chapel. I saw it because Paul lit up a cigarette just as we got there.

I still suck at being around Paul's cigarette smoke, and I've been working for him almost two and a half months now. At least he's really nice about warning me when he's going to light one up-- and he's also pretty OK with my random barf bouts-- the smoke really triggers that stressful reaction in me.

Anyway, we were halfway through the morning trash run, arrived at the Grackle residence like usual, and Paul warned me he was going to have a smoke.

Bam. I could hardly utter an "OK" before the acorn pancakes I had for breakfast (mom's specialty-- Yep, she's cooking again. More on that later...) came up and splattered right in front of me. Paul just sighed and told me to take a walk-- "I'll take care of the Grack-Trash today," he said. At that, I went over to one of the grassy spots nearby to catch my breath and clean my face up.

That's when I saw the bag. Plain old brown looking bag-- nothing particularly speciali about it, except that it looked sort of damp, and like something was inside it.

I pattered over to the damp clod and tore it open with my front teeth. To my delight, a whole half of sandwich was in there!

Salami and cheese on a bulkie roll-- wow. The name on the snadwich wrapper said "SODEXO"-- whoever that is, they make a good looking meal.

Somehow my overactive nerves and unreasonable sense of general fear paid off for once; I got a sandwich out of it!

Split the half with Paul. Think it made his day, too. And maybe took his mind off of the acorn spew that came out of my mouth.

I'm also lucky, because mom has really been on a cooking kick lately. Tonight, we're having tuna-noodle casserole. My favorite fish-dish! (Fish aren't creatures, by the way. They're just fish...)

Eating well, and even feeling well.

Kevin

Got her home... barely.

Mom's home from the hospital, and her once infected skin spot on her back has healed!

Had a doozy of a time walking her home, though. Guess those first couple steps outside were a bit much for my mom after having been laid up a month in the hospital- because she went right down.

"No, Kevin! I can get up by myself!"

It's ok, though. My mom bounced right back up. I even tried giving her a hand out of terror that she was suddenly on the ground. But she just turned her face right at me and said "No, Kevin! I can get up myself!"

Oh mom.

Anyway. I got her home to the tree, and now she's resting comfortably in front of the television. I really do think she's on the up and up from here-- this morning, she mentioned a desire to use the spin bike again in the near future. (*gulp*) I just smiled and told her to be careful.

A small part of me was also thinking, "Boo-Yah Grandma! Mom's almost better!"

Optimistic,
Kevin

An observation about the sun.

Just wanted to write a quick note about how much I appreciate  it when the sun comes out.

Before Paul was nice enough to give me this job trash collecting alongside him, I hardly ever went outside unless mom needed me to run to the store, or if dad was in trouble or in jail for attempting to steal part of some evil chipmunks nut store..

Anyway, I never got out much before this trash collecting job. But, now that I'm responsible for taking care of mom as she comes back from all of her recent injuries and the back infection, I'm starting to get a little better at going outside, holding in my food, and ignoring the fact that humans are walking around nearby. Paul seems to appreciate the effort, too.

But I'm now realizing how awesome it is when it's sunny outside. God it makes work so much easier to do, physically speaking... as well as mentally, too.

"Are you turning over a new leaf completely, Kevin?"  -No, Mom.. I know it seems that way from this post, but no, I am not. So don't get any big ideas.

[...]

Well, maybe my leaves are moving a little bit...

But definitely not turning.


We'll see.

Kevin

(Octo)-Egg Mess, Sunday Noodling's

Happy belated Easter/Passover to and and all creatures.

My mom and I don't really celebrate many human holiday's, but she does have a thing about making deviled eggs on Easter Sunday. Since she's still out of commission, I was in charge of making the eggs.

Unfortunately, they came out looking less like deviled eggs, and more like this:

Yum!

(Just kidding- they didn't sprout tentacles. That would have been awesome, though.)





Otherwise, we just go about our regular Sunday routines:

(This is what my typical Sunday schedule looks like)

Wake
Make Breakfast (for mom and I)
Eat (Toast + Liquid)
Organize bookshelf
Clean Bathroom
Listen to Hour of Sunday AM Jazz with Mom
Toot Around on Computer
Lay on Floor of Bedroom
Check on Mom
Look Out Window
Call Uncle Charlie
(Think about Dad)
Groom
Organize Dry Goods Closet
Organize Nut Cellar
Order (Sunday) Pizza
Watch 60 Minutes (With Respect to Mike Wallace) with Mom

[Etc.]

Work again tomorrow AM. Starting out after a lot of time off to tend to Mom.

Not feeling quite as nervous as I did before my first day of work.

So long as it rains or snows like the paper says for tomorrow, I'll be OK. Humans hate crap weather. Especially in Spring.


Kevin

Learned Your Lesson Yet, Yan-Paul?

**A CAUTIONARY NOTE TO THOSE WHO TAKE MAJOR HOLIDAY'S, WEEKENDS, AND ALL OTHER REASONS FOR CELEBRATION EXTRA SERIOUSLY... I MEAN, BASICALLY AS AN EXCUSE TO PARTY. SEE BELOW!**

Checking on my facebook this afternoon, I was faced front and center on my news feed by a picture of an old buddy of mine who apparently had far too much "fun" yesterday during a night out with friends.

Yan Paul was one of the only creatures I can safely say was a friend of mine during our time attending high school together (in human years, for those of you who are curious, high school is about a month-long period of time, whereas school in general takes us squirrels about 3.25 months to complete).

Yan seemed just as uncomfortable about being there as I was from primary, through elementary, until about middle school. During those most awkward years, Yan and I were forced to share a locked since Burlington's A.C.F.E. (Animal Center for Education) was awfully short on necessary supplies to keep the place up and running efficiently when I attended school. Sharing a locker made us both realize very quickly how socially awkward and generally afraid of being away from home we both were. A match made in heaven.

For the remainder of middle school, until the first half of our time spent in high school (2 weeks, or so) Yan and I were stuck together like glue. We would eat our lunches together near the front entrance of the cafeteria (away from the infamous troupe of "Bully Birds" that ruled the school during my high school years, as well as sit on the bleachers during gym class together due to a stomach-"ache" or what not. However, my favorite activity that we played together hardly involved any sort of fear or malady. Instead, it was dreaming up different lists of bugs that would make great pets.

Sadly, there came a time when Yan's surprisingly good looks and easily tanned inner-ear skin won over a more popular, semi-quirky female named Samantha Trophean. Seems like she simply swooped in during lunch one day and swept Yan off his feet while I wasn't looking (or while I was in the bathroom, or something). Amazing how simple chatter over burrow-making or wallpapering can just win a creature over... that on top of the fact that she had boobs and a kick-ass tail.

The rest of high school was sort of lonely and all blurred together.

As far as I know, Yan and Sarah have really become quite the couple in the period since all of us went through and graduated schooling. Based upon facebook info and pictures, Sarah has really thrust Yan out of his shell- parties and dancing, eating and laughing. If you ask me, I think it comes down to a pretty unsustainable lifestyle.


It does look sort of fun, though. Having a "female-companionship-partner" who breaks you out of your shell. Yan doesn't look so afraid of the world anymore..

[hmmm..]

Crap, this always happens. I go into these blog postings all fired up, ready to declare something pretty generally huge, and then end up running into all this self-realization shit towards the end of my posts.

Guh. I was planning on posting the picture that came up this afternoon of Yan after having gone too far in his partying last night. Now it just seems like a low blow.

[...]

Well, here it is anyway:

Yan-Paul the morning after some big hoop-la, I guess.
(Popped up on my FB news feed)

.... Maybe I could use a partner, too.

Maybe.

But I wouldn't start over-celebrating everything like Yan.

That's not me.

Well, it wasn't Yan, either..

Oi.


-Kevin

I'm Sexy and I Know it

Alright, now that I have your attention [cyber world], I feel the need to address something pretty obvious:

I've been having some trouble keeping up with these blog posts lately. Sorry.

This is my resolute promise to keep up with this blog a bit better from here on out.

(On a side-note) Anyone else in cyber space ever have trouble keeping up with regular posts? I know for me, life always seems to get in the way when it comes to posting about the things I do and think about every day. *If someone happens to read this and can relate or think of a piece of advice that has helped you to keep up with regular posts on top of work, school, parents, friends, partners, dogs, cats, snow, or grocery shopping and scavenging- let me know! (Maybe then my aunts and uncles will get off my case about keeping in touch via blogger..)

(Life-wise) Mom's been in the hospital the past couple weeks with an infection that had moved into a patch of skin near her hind legs. Remember a while back when she threw out her back riding the spin bike in the basement? Well, lying down for a consecutive three weeks apparently sets up most 4-legged creatures for infection pretty easily (who knew?) Doctor Dog up at the H.F.A. (Hospital for Animals) a couple blocks away scolded me the other day for not knowing anything about keeping mom active in the first few weeks after her accident so as to prevent any unknown skin scabs from getting moldy underneath her non-visible fur spots. Guh. Thanks doc, glad I know that now!

Anyway. She'll be out of the hospital soon. They've been keeping her there this weekend for extra precaution, and also to make certain the infection will heal fully, and not be affecting movement in her left hind leg.

To be completely honest, its been nice not having to take care of her at home these past two weeks or so. Granted, I get up the courage enough to scurry over to the H.F.A. once a day, but I make sure to do it early in the morning when students and other human beings aren't out moving through their days. I also make sure my barf belt is super secure around my waist. Never again will I get stuck out in the middle of a sidewalk or in someones front lawn at a moment of sheer terror and anxiety without the belt.

Paul let me off work the past 2 weeks so I could check up on mom without having to worry extra about finding time to help him collect in the morning. I'm sure he could use the extra hand, but I bet his son Finn has been helping him lately since he's home for spring break. Not surprisingly, Paul isn't paying me during this period of temporary unemployment- (have I mentioned I quit the Dell Tech Support job? Couldn't balance it on top of mom, and trash collecting with Paul. Right about now, I kind of wish I had waited a bit longer to quit..) so, its almost time I got back to work to start bringing in a little more money while mom recuperates à la couch, once again.

... I guess this blogging thing isn't as hard as I made it out to seem in my head. Then again, I feel like I mostly complain when it comes to these posts... which is pretty easy, if you ask me.

*Sigh*

Endless self-improvement.. always..

Expect more updates soon, and often.
-Kevin

Tiny victory

I've been working for Paul almost 2 weeks now, and it's taken me about that long to finally stop wearing my special belt at all times.

I feel like I can take it off to eat lunch and use the restroom at headquarters- its pretty heavy with the plastic barf bags, water bottle, and pill holsters. But vital to any sort of outdoor excursion, in my opinion.

I should have used the belt the time I went to the convenience store a few weeks ago for milk, but I was so in the zone that I just forgot it completely.

Too bad, I could have used one of those bags near the bench.

Anyway, I have to go back out and help Paul with the afternoon trash run. He's seems pretty appreciative for my help, but I can't really imagine I'm making his job much easier considering I can only really lift a full bag with my tail. Weak arms.. runs in the family on my mom's side.

Finishing this sandwich, then watching for Paul's truck outside. How he finagled a truck out of a skateboard astonishes me.

Till tonight,
Kevin

First Day of Work [sort of]

I got a job this past Monday through a family friend, Paul Welch.

Paul's an English Setter, old friend of my dad's. They used to go out adventuring back before I was born. Mom was telling me on Sunday night over dinner that dad would disappear for a whole weekend sometimes to go out tromping with Paul. She never really worried, I guess. Said my dad always gave her a kiss goodbye, and a kiss hello when he returned. Plus, Paul would always have to work on Monday morning, so they'd have to make sure they were back by Sunday night, anyway.

Paul works for Burlington's United Trash Collecting Union (UTCU), going around Monday thru Friday, collecting trash bags from sites around town where animals dump their trash made at home.

Thank god it is snowing like crazy outside- Paul called this morning to tell me work is cancelled for today.

He called the house at 5:30am. Almost woke up mom (who's doing a bit better these days, at least), but I was already awake to catch his call.

Stayed up almost the whole night holding down my dinner.

Can I do this? A job outside my house?

God damn. I am getting the shivers all over thinking about it.


-gulp


Kevin

Mom's Closet Creations

Noticed a bunch of drawings and doodles in mom's closet tonight as I was grabbing her pj's. Mostly stuff I made her when I was a kid. Pretty much crap, but there were 2 really cool things I discovered within all of it:

1. Mom's saved my gifts and craft attempts period. Even the lentil bracelet I made her when I was 5 (and she hates lentils).

2. One of the drawings I think she did herself. And it's of me- see below.

(Accurate, too. Minus the full head of hair. She was definitely being generous there)

She's a really good mom.

..I owe it to her to actually go through with this job thing.

Classifieds-searchin'

Kevin

Uncle C's Pizza Profile Photo

We had pizza. Uncle C asked me to take a picture of him so he could use it as the profile picture for his new blog. I poked my head outside the front door to take it. Charlie refuses to eat inside the house.

Charlie, if you read this- it's posted below. Sent it to your yahoo email, too.

More on tonight to come. I have to help mom get ready for bed now. Celebrity Apprentice is almost over, and she still hasn't asked me to help put her pj's on.



(Hypothesis: Don't think it's Mom's back that's her #1 source of pain. More so, seems to be a struggle she's making up in her head- and believing).

-K

What I know so far

1. I'm not a good cook.
2. Tend to burn a lot of things by accident.
3. There's something going on with Mom- it's not her bum back.
4. Missing dad
5. Tired of these walls.
6. Balding
7. Miro for mayor (?)
8. Winter nut store is getting low.
9. Mom's been eating her feelings, and watching T.V. (A lot).
10. Gotta find another job- mom's not making anything but crumbs these days.


Uncle Charlie's coming up from his place on church st. tonight for dinner. Trying to convince mom that her brother probably isn't in the mood for cheesy mac like I've been making for us the past 2 nights.

Maybe she'll let me order pizza.

Update on Uncle C visit and afternoon job search to come.

Wish me luck.

Kevin

Well, anyway

Made mom some toast earlier. It was weird. I've never done that before- made someone else something to eat. Usually Mom would just make me and Dad our meals (dinner, sometimes lunch if he was home, too). I can take care of making my own breakfast, but I guess that's a lot different than scrambling eggs for another living creature.

Actually, every day has felt pretty different since I started helping Mom out. Well, I don't really do anything that much more spectacular than a normal person would already do. However, toast making, milk buying, and bee-litter changing are all new to me. Mom says I'm doing pretty good, too. Especially changing our pet bumblebee's litter. Cynthia's shit smells gross.

Mom and Cynthia are smushed together right now on the couch watching a day time talk show called "The Chew". It sounds like a kind of annoying tv show.

I've decided to leave the door to my bedroom open the next couple of days in case Mom needs something. I bet that's helpful. Well, I hope so.

I've got a call coming in, hold on.

(I'm back) That was a guy from Idaho. I guess his dog peed on his laptop this morning. I'm not the right being to help him. I re-directed him to the Warranty-Replacement office, though. He said that I had a nice voice to listen to. My fur kind of tingled.

Finishing up my story about the trip to the store. Thank god I wasn't going any further than the other side of the green. I can't really imagine what I would have done, or if I could have made the trip if I'd had to actually go downtown. Plus, everyone keeps slipping on the footpath outside my window today. The weather is no good, and maybe someone would have fallen on me if I'd gone to the store downtown.

Anyway, I ran to one of the other big trees across the green that has the store most of us squirrels go for staple items like milk, or toilet paper. Place is run by a crow named Sal from New Hampshire. Smelly guy- nice enough, though.

I was panting and going through some body tremors when I walked through the front door. Sal asked if I wanted to sit down and rest a minute. I could hardly speak because of the foreignness of the environment (I'd only ever been there years before, and nearly passed out. Mom was with me and stuffed me under her coat because I was so much smaller). Not only was Sal dirtier looking than I remembered him, but the store was really bright, and I felt like everything and everyone in the store (a group of ants, a slug, and another squirrel) were watching me.

I ran to the refrigerator in there, grabbed the first white bottle I saw (thank god it was actually milk) and ran. Threw 2 bucks on the counter as I went out the door. I don't know if that's how much it was, but since the milk expires tomorrow, Sal better be cool with the 2 bucks. Should update his inventory more often, too.

Ran home without looking around much on the way. There were definitely humans around. Whatever. I made it, and wasn't even gone more than 15 minutes.

I almost can't get over how successful that trip was. Only barfed once, got the milk (practically without looking), didn't die, and made it back in time to water Aloe at 9:55. Pretty good.

I wonder if Dad would have been proud of me for doing that. Going outside. Running errands.

He would have done it with his eyes closed.

God damn. What if I have to go out again and buy cheese, or something? Mail a letter for Mom?

What if her back doesn't get any better, or she loses her job?


I have to think on this some more.


Kevin

Made it to the milk store

I've been pretty busy lately. Mom is still out of commission, lying around on the couch most of the day waiting for her back to re-set. I don't mind taking care of her.. I'm just no good at it.

Monday, for instance. The day mom became temporarily disabled by that work-out machine downstairs. She was yelling and screaming up the stairs when I got to her. She looked like a stair-eater, plowing her mouth into each floor board like a venomous snake thing.

I was able to pry her off the stairs from the basement and shimmy her body onto the couch. She stopped screaming then and just cried a little more. Probably thinking about dad a bit. I turned on the TV for her and the Ellen show was on. Caught her attention enough to distract from the morning's events.

After mom got settled, I went to the fridge to make her a bowl of cereal. To my terror, there wasn't any milk.

I had to go outside. To the store.

Spent the next 2 hours pacing my room and sitting on my bed thinking about how best to do it. I've noticed there isn't really any "best" way of going to the store. If there had been one, I would of thought of it I bet.

Even though I missed two phone calls that came in that morning for help; one when I was pacing, the second while I was actually out- it's OK. Because I left the house. Got bundled in 2 sweatshirts, a hat, some rain pants, and winter boots, took some money from the family emergency fund, and printed out Mapquest directions to the store.

I also carried 3 barf bags in my pockets just in case I was on the move or in the store and felt the urge to hurl.

That only happened once when I first left the house. I didn't realize it was between classes or something. Every student in the university must have decided to be outside on the footpath near our house right then. One of them even noticed me and said to her friend that I looked "cute". Sent me over the edge. I made it as far as the bench before I had to whip out a bag.

Once I was done with that, I threw the bag in an empty box near the bench. Took out directions. Kept going.


Damn. Mom needs help again. She wants some toast. I'll finish this later..


O.K.,
Kevin

Mom's back is blown.

Mom threw out her back this morning on the stationary bike in the basement.

Got her on the couch. She's not going to work today. Maybe not tomorrow, either.

Dad usually takes care of her when this happens cause I've got phone call's to answer. Troubleshooting to do.

Fucking A.

...

Just realized we're out of milk. I might have to go to the store.


Threw up in my mouth a little.

Anxious,
Kevin

Bowling for Mom = Good news for everyone (esp. me)

It’s been a few days, now. Life’s starting to seem more normal without dad around the house anymore. Mom went bowling yesterday like she usually does on Saturday morning's. I was a little surprised because she hasn’t been herself since Tuesday (understandably). She’s sad. I can tell.. I’m ok, though. Dad’s body is probably going to make some real nice soil over the next few months. At least, that’s what we hope will happen to us after we die creatures of the wood. It’s better than being eaten by a dog.

Personally, I take solace in the fact that no one’s going to be sad when I go. Mom will probably be dead already, and I’ll have been living alone. It’s a thoughtful way to die, really. No one gets hurt.
Anyhoo. Last night, mom mentioned over dinner that she’s going back to work tomorrow. Try and imagine my sigh of relief when she said that. I thought since she had taken Wednesday-Friday off last week since dad’s passing, I might have to step up and cover for us with my income. Realistically, I could never support anyone (let alone myself) on just my salary alone. There are so many things to pay for. Cable... heat, even.

I was kind of afraid for a while that she would be too sad to go back to work. Maybe take an unpaid leave or something so that she could go out for walks and think about dad some more. I can understand doing that after you lose someone important, but it makes me sweaty and kind of anxious imagining her passing onto me the responsibility of supporting the two of us on just what I make alone in the at-home computer tech business. It wouldn’t work. The numbers come out pretty bad. I’d have to take a second job or something outside these walls.

I don’t want to do that. I can't.

Plus, I've heard its sort of cold outside right now, snow even. And there are lots of people walking to and from school during the week. I see them from my window.

If I took another job outside my room, I’d have to figure out how to function outdoors. Not to mention navigate my way to wherever the job was, and then work in an environment unlike my bedroom for most of the day.

Not to mention avoid stress-barfing from the moment I leave this tree to when I return. God damn.
...

I'm officially sick of my fear. Fear of nature/people/large spaces/physical exertion/dogs/hypothermia/general discomfort/ etc. etc.

But. Should I really go ahead and do anything about it if I don't need to leave my house for anything?



I don't know. Mom’s ok, so everything is alright. I'm set, I think.

Bed soon,
Kevin

Dad's gone. Life's changing real fast.

Dad died last night. Couple guys from the community found him lying near his favorite tree in the park downtown. Mom and I knew it was time. He came into my room around 8 to say goodbye before heading to the tree. He looked tired. Really old. Fur on the tip of his tail visibly falling off. I asked him if I could save it. He agreed. I put it away in my dresser.

Mom didn't want to walk him to the park. She's hardly said a thing since he left last night. They spent a long time alone in their bedroom before he came to say goodbye to me.

I'm glad a bunch of friends, and neighbors showed up to see him off. Dad wouldn't have wanted anyone there in the park when he went. A little parade, though. He definitely liked that.

I should have walked down there myself. God damn my sensitivity to the outdoors. I guess I can't confidently say I would have made it back home, anyway.


35 animal years in this town, and I still haven't seen the tree my father loved so much in that park.

If not dad's passing, maybe this blog will help me to re-evaluate my time here a bit.

Pensive,

Kevin