Mom's Closet Creations

Noticed a bunch of drawings and doodles in mom's closet tonight as I was grabbing her pj's. Mostly stuff I made her when I was a kid. Pretty much crap, but there were 2 really cool things I discovered within all of it:

1. Mom's saved my gifts and craft attempts period. Even the lentil bracelet I made her when I was 5 (and she hates lentils).

2. One of the drawings I think she did herself. And it's of me- see below.

(Accurate, too. Minus the full head of hair. She was definitely being generous there)

She's a really good mom.

..I owe it to her to actually go through with this job thing.

Classifieds-searchin'

Kevin

Uncle C's Pizza Profile Photo

We had pizza. Uncle C asked me to take a picture of him so he could use it as the profile picture for his new blog. I poked my head outside the front door to take it. Charlie refuses to eat inside the house.

Charlie, if you read this- it's posted below. Sent it to your yahoo email, too.

More on tonight to come. I have to help mom get ready for bed now. Celebrity Apprentice is almost over, and she still hasn't asked me to help put her pj's on.



(Hypothesis: Don't think it's Mom's back that's her #1 source of pain. More so, seems to be a struggle she's making up in her head- and believing).

-K

What I know so far

1. I'm not a good cook.
2. Tend to burn a lot of things by accident.
3. There's something going on with Mom- it's not her bum back.
4. Missing dad
5. Tired of these walls.
6. Balding
7. Miro for mayor (?)
8. Winter nut store is getting low.
9. Mom's been eating her feelings, and watching T.V. (A lot).
10. Gotta find another job- mom's not making anything but crumbs these days.


Uncle Charlie's coming up from his place on church st. tonight for dinner. Trying to convince mom that her brother probably isn't in the mood for cheesy mac like I've been making for us the past 2 nights.

Maybe she'll let me order pizza.

Update on Uncle C visit and afternoon job search to come.

Wish me luck.

Kevin

Well, anyway

Made mom some toast earlier. It was weird. I've never done that before- made someone else something to eat. Usually Mom would just make me and Dad our meals (dinner, sometimes lunch if he was home, too). I can take care of making my own breakfast, but I guess that's a lot different than scrambling eggs for another living creature.

Actually, every day has felt pretty different since I started helping Mom out. Well, I don't really do anything that much more spectacular than a normal person would already do. However, toast making, milk buying, and bee-litter changing are all new to me. Mom says I'm doing pretty good, too. Especially changing our pet bumblebee's litter. Cynthia's shit smells gross.

Mom and Cynthia are smushed together right now on the couch watching a day time talk show called "The Chew". It sounds like a kind of annoying tv show.

I've decided to leave the door to my bedroom open the next couple of days in case Mom needs something. I bet that's helpful. Well, I hope so.

I've got a call coming in, hold on.

(I'm back) That was a guy from Idaho. I guess his dog peed on his laptop this morning. I'm not the right being to help him. I re-directed him to the Warranty-Replacement office, though. He said that I had a nice voice to listen to. My fur kind of tingled.

Finishing up my story about the trip to the store. Thank god I wasn't going any further than the other side of the green. I can't really imagine what I would have done, or if I could have made the trip if I'd had to actually go downtown. Plus, everyone keeps slipping on the footpath outside my window today. The weather is no good, and maybe someone would have fallen on me if I'd gone to the store downtown.

Anyway, I ran to one of the other big trees across the green that has the store most of us squirrels go for staple items like milk, or toilet paper. Place is run by a crow named Sal from New Hampshire. Smelly guy- nice enough, though.

I was panting and going through some body tremors when I walked through the front door. Sal asked if I wanted to sit down and rest a minute. I could hardly speak because of the foreignness of the environment (I'd only ever been there years before, and nearly passed out. Mom was with me and stuffed me under her coat because I was so much smaller). Not only was Sal dirtier looking than I remembered him, but the store was really bright, and I felt like everything and everyone in the store (a group of ants, a slug, and another squirrel) were watching me.

I ran to the refrigerator in there, grabbed the first white bottle I saw (thank god it was actually milk) and ran. Threw 2 bucks on the counter as I went out the door. I don't know if that's how much it was, but since the milk expires tomorrow, Sal better be cool with the 2 bucks. Should update his inventory more often, too.

Ran home without looking around much on the way. There were definitely humans around. Whatever. I made it, and wasn't even gone more than 15 minutes.

I almost can't get over how successful that trip was. Only barfed once, got the milk (practically without looking), didn't die, and made it back in time to water Aloe at 9:55. Pretty good.

I wonder if Dad would have been proud of me for doing that. Going outside. Running errands.

He would have done it with his eyes closed.

God damn. What if I have to go out again and buy cheese, or something? Mail a letter for Mom?

What if her back doesn't get any better, or she loses her job?


I have to think on this some more.


Kevin

Made it to the milk store

I've been pretty busy lately. Mom is still out of commission, lying around on the couch most of the day waiting for her back to re-set. I don't mind taking care of her.. I'm just no good at it.

Monday, for instance. The day mom became temporarily disabled by that work-out machine downstairs. She was yelling and screaming up the stairs when I got to her. She looked like a stair-eater, plowing her mouth into each floor board like a venomous snake thing.

I was able to pry her off the stairs from the basement and shimmy her body onto the couch. She stopped screaming then and just cried a little more. Probably thinking about dad a bit. I turned on the TV for her and the Ellen show was on. Caught her attention enough to distract from the morning's events.

After mom got settled, I went to the fridge to make her a bowl of cereal. To my terror, there wasn't any milk.

I had to go outside. To the store.

Spent the next 2 hours pacing my room and sitting on my bed thinking about how best to do it. I've noticed there isn't really any "best" way of going to the store. If there had been one, I would of thought of it I bet.

Even though I missed two phone calls that came in that morning for help; one when I was pacing, the second while I was actually out- it's OK. Because I left the house. Got bundled in 2 sweatshirts, a hat, some rain pants, and winter boots, took some money from the family emergency fund, and printed out Mapquest directions to the store.

I also carried 3 barf bags in my pockets just in case I was on the move or in the store and felt the urge to hurl.

That only happened once when I first left the house. I didn't realize it was between classes or something. Every student in the university must have decided to be outside on the footpath near our house right then. One of them even noticed me and said to her friend that I looked "cute". Sent me over the edge. I made it as far as the bench before I had to whip out a bag.

Once I was done with that, I threw the bag in an empty box near the bench. Took out directions. Kept going.


Damn. Mom needs help again. She wants some toast. I'll finish this later..


O.K.,
Kevin

Mom's back is blown.

Mom threw out her back this morning on the stationary bike in the basement.

Got her on the couch. She's not going to work today. Maybe not tomorrow, either.

Dad usually takes care of her when this happens cause I've got phone call's to answer. Troubleshooting to do.

Fucking A.

...

Just realized we're out of milk. I might have to go to the store.


Threw up in my mouth a little.

Anxious,
Kevin

Bowling for Mom = Good news for everyone (esp. me)

It’s been a few days, now. Life’s starting to seem more normal without dad around the house anymore. Mom went bowling yesterday like she usually does on Saturday morning's. I was a little surprised because she hasn’t been herself since Tuesday (understandably). She’s sad. I can tell.. I’m ok, though. Dad’s body is probably going to make some real nice soil over the next few months. At least, that’s what we hope will happen to us after we die creatures of the wood. It’s better than being eaten by a dog.

Personally, I take solace in the fact that no one’s going to be sad when I go. Mom will probably be dead already, and I’ll have been living alone. It’s a thoughtful way to die, really. No one gets hurt.
Anyhoo. Last night, mom mentioned over dinner that she’s going back to work tomorrow. Try and imagine my sigh of relief when she said that. I thought since she had taken Wednesday-Friday off last week since dad’s passing, I might have to step up and cover for us with my income. Realistically, I could never support anyone (let alone myself) on just my salary alone. There are so many things to pay for. Cable... heat, even.

I was kind of afraid for a while that she would be too sad to go back to work. Maybe take an unpaid leave or something so that she could go out for walks and think about dad some more. I can understand doing that after you lose someone important, but it makes me sweaty and kind of anxious imagining her passing onto me the responsibility of supporting the two of us on just what I make alone in the at-home computer tech business. It wouldn’t work. The numbers come out pretty bad. I’d have to take a second job or something outside these walls.

I don’t want to do that. I can't.

Plus, I've heard its sort of cold outside right now, snow even. And there are lots of people walking to and from school during the week. I see them from my window.

If I took another job outside my room, I’d have to figure out how to function outdoors. Not to mention navigate my way to wherever the job was, and then work in an environment unlike my bedroom for most of the day.

Not to mention avoid stress-barfing from the moment I leave this tree to when I return. God damn.
...

I'm officially sick of my fear. Fear of nature/people/large spaces/physical exertion/dogs/hypothermia/general discomfort/ etc. etc.

But. Should I really go ahead and do anything about it if I don't need to leave my house for anything?



I don't know. Mom’s ok, so everything is alright. I'm set, I think.

Bed soon,
Kevin

Dad's gone. Life's changing real fast.

Dad died last night. Couple guys from the community found him lying near his favorite tree in the park downtown. Mom and I knew it was time. He came into my room around 8 to say goodbye before heading to the tree. He looked tired. Really old. Fur on the tip of his tail visibly falling off. I asked him if I could save it. He agreed. I put it away in my dresser.

Mom didn't want to walk him to the park. She's hardly said a thing since he left last night. They spent a long time alone in their bedroom before he came to say goodbye to me.

I'm glad a bunch of friends, and neighbors showed up to see him off. Dad wouldn't have wanted anyone there in the park when he went. A little parade, though. He definitely liked that.

I should have walked down there myself. God damn my sensitivity to the outdoors. I guess I can't confidently say I would have made it back home, anyway.


35 animal years in this town, and I still haven't seen the tree my father loved so much in that park.

If not dad's passing, maybe this blog will help me to re-evaluate my time here a bit.

Pensive,

Kevin