Bowling for Mom = Good news for everyone (esp. me)

It’s been a few days, now. Life’s starting to seem more normal without dad around the house anymore. Mom went bowling yesterday like she usually does on Saturday morning's. I was a little surprised because she hasn’t been herself since Tuesday (understandably). She’s sad. I can tell.. I’m ok, though. Dad’s body is probably going to make some real nice soil over the next few months. At least, that’s what we hope will happen to us after we die creatures of the wood. It’s better than being eaten by a dog.

Personally, I take solace in the fact that no one’s going to be sad when I go. Mom will probably be dead already, and I’ll have been living alone. It’s a thoughtful way to die, really. No one gets hurt.
Anyhoo. Last night, mom mentioned over dinner that she’s going back to work tomorrow. Try and imagine my sigh of relief when she said that. I thought since she had taken Wednesday-Friday off last week since dad’s passing, I might have to step up and cover for us with my income. Realistically, I could never support anyone (let alone myself) on just my salary alone. There are so many things to pay for. Cable... heat, even.

I was kind of afraid for a while that she would be too sad to go back to work. Maybe take an unpaid leave or something so that she could go out for walks and think about dad some more. I can understand doing that after you lose someone important, but it makes me sweaty and kind of anxious imagining her passing onto me the responsibility of supporting the two of us on just what I make alone in the at-home computer tech business. It wouldn’t work. The numbers come out pretty bad. I’d have to take a second job or something outside these walls.

I don’t want to do that. I can't.

Plus, I've heard its sort of cold outside right now, snow even. And there are lots of people walking to and from school during the week. I see them from my window.

If I took another job outside my room, I’d have to figure out how to function outdoors. Not to mention navigate my way to wherever the job was, and then work in an environment unlike my bedroom for most of the day.

Not to mention avoid stress-barfing from the moment I leave this tree to when I return. God damn.
...

I'm officially sick of my fear. Fear of nature/people/large spaces/physical exertion/dogs/hypothermia/general discomfort/ etc. etc.

But. Should I really go ahead and do anything about it if I don't need to leave my house for anything?



I don't know. Mom’s ok, so everything is alright. I'm set, I think.

Bed soon,
Kevin